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In First 100 Days, Trump to Impose Nationwide Dam Time

Nolan Baker, Staff Reporter

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In a cryptic tweet sent out at 4:35 am yesterday morning, president-elect Donald Trump unveiled a new objective for his first 100 days in office: a nationwide mandatory Dam Time from 2:55 to 3:15 every weekday.

He stated, “AMERICA needs time to reflect on our HUGE accomplishments! 1st order of business: DAM TIME. Make America dammed again!”

There has been intense backlash from this proposal, many citing it as unconstitutional.

“What’s the point of this?” A disgruntled citizen tweeted back at Trump. “Everyone is just gonna be on their phones anyways!”

Constitutional lawyers around the country can’t seem to find a definitive answer on the legality of the president-elect’s plan to condemn Americans to 20 minutes of academic management time.

“Technically speaking, the Constitution states nothing about imposed academic management and reflection,” professor of constitutional law at Georgetown University Dr. Peter Gordon said.

“I would imagine a decision like this would come down to the Supreme Court,” Gordon clarifies, “but with a seat for Trump to fill with whomever he chooses, I can see this passing in a Republican court and Congress.”

The next day, Trump tweeted a video explaining the benefit of DAM Time.

He stated that the 20 minutes everyday would “give the average citizen time to reflect on our countries problems, and come up with solution.” Later on the 20-minute-long-video, he concedes that, “With all you beautiful people coming up with solutions to America’s problems, it would really help me out and make this whole thing go on more smoothly.”

He laid out a few ground rules for the DAM time, stating that you “must be thinking about how to make AMERICA a better place,” with no further elaboration on how exactly to think, and that “bathroom breaks are verboten – I mean – not allowed.”

After the shocking election results just a few weeks ago, the public knew this would be a different presidency, but what will Americans do with their new “privilege” as the president-elect put it?

Only time will tell. For now, however, let’s “MAKE AMERICA DAMMED AGAIN!”

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In First 100 Days, Trump to Impose Nationwide Dam Time